New Growth?

I am growing out my hair. Yeah, so what! Well for the last ten years or so there has been this dilemma. To dye or not to dye. Since my early thirties, there has been these creeping silver strands which have slowly infiltrated my brown hair. (Keep reading there will be a self growth analogy here eventually, I promise.)

First, I tried highlights, because I thought if I added lighter patches, the grey would blend in. Well after a while, I just looked washed out! So, about a year ago, I decided to go for the full dye job. My natural color of medium to dark brown was back. At first, I loved it. I felt younger and liked the way I looked in the mirror. But the more I covered up the reality of my own hair, the dryer and coarser it got.

Meanwhile, over this year, I have to admit I have been working hard on growing out my life. (See, I told you I'd get there!) When I finished Master Coach training, I had a plan for where I was going to go, and lord help anyone who got in my way. Then something happened that derailed me. It forced me to work on myself once again. You see, I was still at some level following the path that others had decided for me. Because I loved them, and wanted their approval, I mistakenly believed that we would continue to work and grow together and all would be right with the world. What I missed was that was not really where I wanted to go. To be my most authentic self, I needed to be willing to grow, and let my roots show, and allow the tender new growth space to develop.

Now I am feeling more me, and more on track than I've felt all year. There is no one but me deciding who I am, or what I should do with my life, and it feels damn good. The new growth is getting stronger and feeling more right every day. And so is my hair.

I was due for a color a few weeks ago, and my hairdresser was out of town. I was frustrated because my roots were showing, and I wasn't sure about the color coming out of my head! But by the time, I could see her, I just asked her to cut off the old dead ends. Now my healthy new growth, in my own beautiful color is coming through. I can't wait until the last of the dye is gone, and I can enjoy the beauty I see in just being me.

Talk with you soon,

Marquita

Spoons and Fish and Trophies!

I should warn you now, that I am not sure where this post is going to go! I have been spending a lot of time with my husband this summer and I have been noticing some interesting things.

First, spoons. In the drawer in my kitchen where we keep the silverware, there is a silent battle of spoons going on. You see, I believe this drawer works best a certain way. There is only enough slots for the regular size flatware, and so I put the larger serving size spoons behind the slotted organizer. This works for me, and when I cook, I want it that way.

Now, my sweetie for some unknown reason, likes to put the spoons on the side of the organizer, where they get jammed in and hard to pull out. When I go to get a spoon and find those he has placed on the side, I pull them out and put them in the back! And then the next time I go to get a spoon, guess where they are? You got it, back on the side. The funny thing is, I think this is quite hilarious. Neither of us ever mentions the "spoon issue." We just quietly wage the next battle. We each chalk up a point on our side of the Male vs Female scorecard and move on!

Today I was reorganizing my office. I like to think of this as my office because I work from home and that's where I work. However, my partner rightfully believes it is his office as well. In truth it started out that way, and his computer and files are also in there. Recently, I bought a new chair and huge bookcase for the office. My daughter came over and we spent four hours assembling the bookcase. The bookcase is so tall that I needed to take down a couple of pictures, and move my husband's prized stuffed bass.

While I was reorganizing, I put my beautifully framed degrees from two well know universities atop the bookcase, along with my Martha Beck Master Coach award. I asked my spouse where we should rehang the stuffed bass. I thought it would look good high up on the vaulted wall across from his other prized possession, his father's huge rack of deer horns. Then my love informed me that the bass needed to be down on the wall, because after all, why would he have a plaque attached showing how large this fish was, if people couldn't read it. We looked around and found a spot that showed this off well.

What I love about all this is the joy I find in embracing the differences between us. How many times in the past did I want to make my partner think like I did? Or wanted him to understand me! Now I realize that it is an honor to have a partner who is just who he is, and who accepts me for just who I am (well except maybe for the spoons)!

I'd love to hear how things work in your household!

Marquita

The Empty Elevator

There is a saying that goes something like this, "When everyone you run into is an asshole, you need to look in the mirror!" Well lately everyone hasn't been an asshole, but they have sure been frustrating me!

This is actually unusual for me. For the last ten years or so I have worked hard at living a serene and even sometimes a zen like life. I felt a lot of gratitude for what I had, I gave others room to make mistakes, and grow, and be who they were. I even felt pretty cool with myself, and that old Inner Lizard of mine, was napping most of the time.

That is until recently. As you can tell by some of my previous posts, I have been going through a transition in thought, in who I am, in where I want to go. I have been learning a lot about what that means, and I am finding that I am becoming more fearful of the future. Why, because the other people around me aren't necessarily coming along with me! I am taking my new self into the realms I have always traveled, and the people there are simply being who they have always been. Why is this bugging me? Let me paint a picture of one of these episodes:

I have a group of women who I travel to Southern Oregon with each June. We go to a luncheon, river raft, jet boat, hang out and usually have a good time. There is always a certain amount of drama during the trip! Whenever you get 10-12 women of various ages and backgrounds together, it is hard to make decisions, and keep your own priorities straight without offending others. For several years, I have been struggling with this trip, because this group tends toward co-dependency, and occasionally one or two people hijack the trip. This is important, I knew this before the trip. However, I somehow thought that this year would be different. The definition of insanity, Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I do have some enjoyment in the river and the things we do, but the rest is torture. I don't want to live in the drama anymore. So what do I do, I get upset, take things personally, and blame others! It feels easier to do that, than to acknowledge the truth. The truth is, I have changed and this trip doesn't work for me anymore.

This is the empty elevator that Martha Beck talks about in Steering by Starlight. When we change and grow and become more of who we are, we sometimes find ourselves alone, without our usual companions. Along with the truth that I am moving on a different path than some of those close to me, comes the pain of that loss. I am grieving some of these changes, and the anger and frustration is part of that grief. When we fight change, it is harder. Acknowledging who I am, and being willing to walk into that pain and grief will get me a lot farther than frustration, anger and blaming others. So I am turning the rudder of my life to move into the fire, and with that I will end up going downstream, and getting back to that peaceful life I cherish.

Care to come along? If not, I wish you well on your path to where you need to go.

Marquita

Why Don't They Just Behave the Way I Want Them To?

You may think that because I am a Life Coach, and since one of my specialties is relationship coaching, that I don't go through periods of discontent or wishing my partner would change! I am fessing up right now that this is not true and that I am very capable of falling back into old ideas, and wanting things to be different than they are.

For instance a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling like I was carrying the weight of our relationship on my shoulders. I decided that what I really needed to do was sit my husband down, let him know what I needed, and set him straight. Now being a life coach, I do know that how I am feeling is not about the other person, it is about my thinking. Before moving forward with my plan to get him on board with my ideas for how things should be done, I realized I might want to look at my own thoughts.

My brain was saying things like, "if he would just do more of this," and "if he would just behave more like that........I would be happier." Next I looked at how I was behaving when I believed these thoughts. What I saw was that I was not doing any of the things I wanted my husband to do! And when I was thinking he should be doing more, I was behaving resentfully towards him! I began to wonder what would happen if I behaved the way I wanted him to. So, I did just that. I stopped expecting him to be more loving and helpful, and I began being more loving and helpful towards him. Before I knew it, I was feeling better, and happier in my relationship!

So here's the moral of the story: Before you start telling others how they should behave, consider what it is you want. See if you can give that to yourself, and the other person. Notice how much better you feel!

If my husband only knew how often I didn't have to tell him what to do!

Until next time,

Marquita

The Marquita Thompson Show

The Marquita Thompson Show

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Everything is Changing and That's Okay

The fourth square of the Change Cycle, is called The Promised Land. This refers to the times in our lives when we have went through the fog and difficult times of square one, the dreaming and adventure of square two, and the hard work of square three, and reach the shores of success in square four.

So then how is it possible that the mantra for square four is Everything is Changing and That's Okay? Well you see the dirty little secret is this. The four squares of the change cycle repeat themselves many times throughout our lives. Sometimes they even repeat themselves completely while you are traversing any one of the separate squares. I know!! This is not what I thought I wanted either. Let me explain why.

We live in a society that places a lot of emphasis on getting somewhere, and an even greater emphasis on the idea that we will be happy when we achieve whatever it was that we were striving for. However, the truth is that we are often disappointed when we get there, and aren't as happy as we think we should be. Then before we know it we fall back into the soup of square one and start all over again.

I'd like to propose a different course. What if instead of believing and thinking that we will be happy when we get to square four, we simply enjoy life and be present and authentic in every square? Hard to do? Maybe. Let's look at one of the most common examples of the change cycle all over the world, the four seasons. I like to ask people, what time of year is their favorite. Many people say spring because of the beautiful flowers, and the new growth, and the opening of new possibilities and ideas. Others immediately choose summer, because they love the sun and the playtime, and the chance to vacation. For me, my favorite time is the fall. I love the colors, and the crispness in the air, and the feeling of stepping back and drawing in for the winter. My son in law loves the winter. He loves all the things you can do in the snow.

Everyone I ask has a favorite and least favorite time of the year. The same is true for the change cycle. Some people love dreaming, some people like implementing, and some even like when they need to go deep and deal with emotions. As I have been moving through the change cycle over the last six months or so, I have tried to stay present and enjoy each part of it, without a thought about what to do in the end. This has been difficult because it goes against what I have been taught early in life. What I have found though, is that is can be very satisfying. I have enjoyed digging deeper into my old thoughts and beliefs, and became willing to be open to pain as well as joy. I have loved the dreaming and scheming (this is my favorite square of the change cycle), I have loved the hard work, although that is not always easy, and now I am sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

Even as I write this, I can see that there is another change and more cycles to come. So I am doing what I can to stay present here and now, and to welcome all that is yet to come. Care to join me?

Marquita

Back to the Relationship Realm for a Moment

I know that I have been blogging more about change and my own personal stuff of late, but I think it is time to fess up!! I have been struggling a bit with my relationship. Now don't go screaming out the door or anything, my marriage is fine, but it has growing pains occasionally.

What's happening is this. My husband got laid off from his job about four months ago. Yeah, I know, it sucks! Now financially we are good. He is getting unemployment and has some other resources, and my business couldn't be better. The issues are closer to home than that. You see, I work at home. This is my place of employment. I am my own boss, and I love my job. But there is this guy who seems to think he lives here, and at this very moment is in the living room watching a basketball game.

Can you see the problem? I now see why my neighbor, when her husband retired last year, immediately went out and got a job! We have talked about this, and he has tried to make himself scarce as much as possible and stay out of the office while I am working. He has had to put up with a lot of playing golf, and going fishing, and other tough sacrifices, to stay out of my hair. The problem really is not my husband. It's me!

You see I want it both ways! I don't want him around while I am working. In fact I want him to be out there working himself. I know that he thinks he's doing me a favor when he spends the day golfing, but I don't see it that way. So here's the deal. I have to work on me. Yep, back to that old standard. It is all about me.

Here is one of the thoughts I need to work on:

• My security is threatened if he isn't working.


• Is this true? No, we are actually doing well. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.


• How do I react when I think this thought? I get resentful and want him to fix it, even though he is doing all he can to find work and to keep busy around here. This makes things tense and uncomfortable for both of us.


• Who would I be without this thought? I would maybe go watch my college basketball team play in the playoffs right next to him. I would enjoy having more time with him and be more willing to play more myself.


• Turnarounds: My security is not threatened by my husband not working. My security is threatened by my thoughts about him not working. I am secure within myself.

Okay, got a basketball game to watch!

Until next time,

Marquita